Current State of Mind

I am extremely angsty and angry right now. Everything is pissing me off. At the same time, I’m getting really excited about my birthday (which is two weeks from today). Interestingly, I have a few events lined up this month so the month should be full of joy, laughter and celebration.

Plus, let’s be honest, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s engagement really put the cherry on top of, conservatively speaking, the next three years of my life. Lol!

But back to me being angry. What am I angry about, you wonder? Let’s start a list, shall we?

  1. I am fucking furious about the so-called apologies these famous men who have assaulted and raped women are giving. Going back to Al Franken briefly, like Dude, how dare you not resign?!! Let’s just start there. There’s no way in the world I would want an assaulter of women representing me in the Senate. Furthermore, he said in an interview that he “couldn’t say” he hasn’t touched women’s butts when he was taking pictures with them because he takes so many pictures. Excuse me, what?! I have taken countless pictures with people. I have NEVER, EVER touched someone’s butt while I was taking a picture with her/him/them. EVER.
  2.  Now let’s go to your boy, Russell Simmons. Jenny Lumet said he forced her to have sex with him, i.e. he raped her. Following in Al Franken’s footsteps, he says “her memory of that evening is very different from mine.” For those of you who don’t know, I’m a lawyer, so I’m 99% sure these public statements are written by the lawyers of these men. What I’m not sure of is the motivation behind saying these men remember these violent acts differently. That’s not true, I am sure of the motivation. It’s to ensure these men avoid legal liability. Here’s the thing. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure all jurisdictions in the United States have a statute of limitations for rape. Ms. Lumet said this rape occurred in 1991. The statute of limitations has probably run by now, i.e. legally, the state can no longer bring criminal charges against Russell Simmons for what he did because there is a specific amount of time after the act has occurred in which charges can be brought and that time has passed. So why the clarifier? Take responsibility for what you did. Say you’re profoundly sorry and will never touch a woman without her consent again.
  3. Obviously, I feel tremendous sympathy for Ms. Lumet, but I was angered by this statement: “As a woman of color, I cannot express how wrenching it is to write this about a successful man of color.” I’m sorry, what? Russell Simmons didn’t seem to be at all wrenched by raping you so why do you care about exposing him for it? This concept of women of color feeling bad about saying negative things about men of color is something I will never understand. Especially when plenty of men of color, particularly Black men, have zero qualms about hurting women of color, particularly Black women. I just have no desire to protect Black men from dealing with the consequences of what they do. None. I was molested by one man and sexually battered by two others on two separate occasions. ALL of these men are Black. I didn’t press charges against any of them. I didn’t press charges against my molester because I was of age by the time I remembered what happened to me and the statute of limitations had run. I didn’t press charges against my first sexual batterer because at the time, I honestly didn’t know what he did was a crime because there was no penetration. I didn’t press charges against my second batterer because I didn’t think the police would believe me. I willingly went to this guy’s apartment and “messed around” with him prior to him battering me and I didn’t want to retraumatize myself trying to convince the police I was the victim of a crime. Honestly, it will probably always bother me that none of these men will ever pay for what they did to me. At least not in this world. I wasn’t planning to share all of that with all of you but what comes out in this blog is what comes out. So there you have it. It happened to me too.
  4. My grief over my grandmother’s death has caused me to be even more matter-of-fact with people than I used to be (if that’s even possible). As it turns out, which I may have mentioned here before, people don’t like it so much. And guess what? I don’t give a fuck. I am so sick of hearing that I’m being nasty or that I hurt someone’s feelings. Why can’t people just give me a pass? Anyone who knows me at all knows I’m going through the worst time of my life right now. Just. Give. Me. A. Pass. Just like I’ve given other people passes so many times before. I am an extremely sensitive person so people say things that hurt/irritate/bother me frequently. I only bring up about 25% of the things people do that bother me. I just swallow the rest of it. At least I used to. I vowed I wasn’t going to do that anymore the second I realized most people weren’t willing to give me the benefit of the doubt, even though I’d just lost the most important person in my life. If people won’t give you the benefit of the doubt then, they never will. You know what’s “funny”? People don’t want to give you the benefit of the doubt but will insist on you giving it to them. Get the fuck out of here! I’m fresh out of passes.

Rant over. For now.

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