Compound Loss

When you lose the most important person in your life, that loss can bring up a lot of big questions: do I really want to get married? Am I a good person? Do I still want to have a child? The death of my grandmother has raised these, and many more, questions for me.

Her death has also brought up people/things from my past I thought I had forgotten. Two of these people are my high school boyfriend and my most recent ex. I got back in touch with my high school boyfriend when I was home for my grandmother’s funeral. To my shock and surprise, he is now engaged with a child. I’m surprised because as long as I’ve known him, he’s always said he would never get married or have children.

I’ll be honest, when I got back in contact with my ex, I was hoping I would see him and one thing would lead to another. There’s nothing that can make you feel young again like making out with your high school boyfriend. But that’s not a possibility now.

Regarding my most recent ex, I had been stalking his Facebook page for awhile and finally convinced myself to stop. After my grandmother died, I started stalking his page again because I was trying to figure out if I should call or text him to let him know she died. I thought maybe her death could bring us together again but I didn’t want to reach out to him if his heart was closed to me because he was dating someone.

So I looked at his page and noticed he’d tagged a woman in two of his posts. So I go to her page and as soon as I saw her, I knew they were probably dating. My ex has a very clear type: pretty, thick, big boob-having, white-collar professional women. I click on a couple of this woman’s pictures and she looks really fun-loving and sweet.

I told my good friends that I guess the ship had sailed with my ex. We were probably never going to have one last rendezvous together because he appeared to be off the market. Then, when I was discussing the situation with my hair stylist, I went to the woman’s page again to show my stylist what she looks like, clicked on a different picture and the deal was sealed. In the picture, my ex was standing behind this woman. What struck me was how happy they both looked.

At that point, I knew it was completely over. I will never be intimate with my ex again. He’s probably going to marry this woman. She probably never gets irritated with him for no reason like I used to. I think this because she just looks so…nice. I can’t picture her ever yelling at anyone. Let alone her boo.

Then I thought something that surprised me. I’m happy for my ex. I really am. I have a feeling he’s much more compatible with this woman than he ever was with me. He deserves love. He really does. He was so good to me, even when I wasn’t being good to him. It takes a special person to see the good in you when that’s not what you’re showing him at the time.

A part of me will probably always love my ex. And if you love someone, you should want the best, happiest life for him. My ex seems to be on the road to having that and I’m glad.

So now that this door is closed, where does that leave me?

Well, I would love to have someone to kiss and cuddle with regularly right now but I don’t want a boyfriend. I want someone to act like my boyfriend but not actually be my boyfriend, you know? In other words, be around when I want you to and go away when I don’t want to be bothered. This kind of situation is all I can handle right now. My main current concern is processing/dealing with my grief. It’s the largest project I’ve ever embarked on and I have no idea when it will be complete.

Do I want to get married? I think so.

Do I want to have a child? Yes. Will I? I’m not sure.

If I don’t get married and don’t have a child, will it kill me? No. You know how I know that? Because the worst thing I could imagine has already happened and I’m still here.

I used to say I was a woman because of the principles I lived my life by and how mature I was. But now I’m a woman because I’ve been through something. I had no idea how strong I was until my grandmother died. The thing I feared all my life happened and I’m still here. I’m still standing. I’m still strong. And no one can ever take that away from me. Ever.





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