All of the feedback I’ve gotten regarding writing a series of online dating posts has been positive, so this is the first post in the series. But…it’s not about online dating. I just needed to get this off my chest first before I dived into my online dating experiences.

So as you may have figured out from my post Crush, I, unfortunately, have a crush on someone. I say unfortunately because the guy I like doesn’t like me back. And while I know that’s not a reflection of me, it feels like a huge rejection of me because I’ve spent so much time with this man talking about everything from the death of my grandmother to our past relationships to the idea that “there is no truth.” He knows so much about me and he’s still not interested.

How can that be?? Like, who is he not to like me?! I’m amazing!

Another thing that makes this guy’s disinterest so hard is he’s pretty close to the perfect guy for me. For one, he talks a lot, which I love because even with my friends, I’m often the one that does most of the talking, and that gets exhausting. With this guy, I got to rest and be the one who gets to eat her food while the other person talks as opposed to being the one who’s just starting her meal while the other person is finishing because she’s been talking the entire time. Secondly, he’s open to becoming more feminist than he already is and less homophobic and transphobic than he is (by that I mean he needs help seeing the homophobia and transphobia we’re all fed on a daily basis, not that he uses homophobic or transphobic slurs or anything, he would never), i.e. he’s open to learning from me and isn’t at all threatened by me knowing more about these topics than him, which is extremely hard to find in cisgendered, heterosexual males.

Furthermore, his masculinity isn’t toxic, which I love. I don’t feel like all of the air’s being sucked out of the room every time I’m with him. He also gentle, kind and compassionate.

The only negative thing I can think of about him is he doesn’t initiate communication when I don’t see him. For example, it’s been almost a month since I’ve seen him. Last week, I reached out to him because I wanted to get his opinion on my reaction to something my therapist said to me. I texted. It took him three hours to text me back. In this day and age, that’s just ridiculous. He was busy, so I said I’d try him later. The next day, I texted and asked him to call me when he had a chance. We spoke and had a really great conversation. He had to hang up to make another call, but promised to call right back. He never did. I texted that night to say thanks for helping me realize some things during our conversation. He said no problem and that he’d call back the next day. He never did.

This may seem like something small to you, but for someone like me who has “spending quality time” as one of her love languages, not calling back when you say you will is really upsetting. It makes me feel like you don’t care. In his defense, he has told me it’s hard for him to feel close to people. Regardless, his lack of initiating contact does NOT work for me. I can’t even be friends with someone who can’t send a “Hey, how are you?” text every now and then. I guarantee you if I never texted him, we’d never speak again in life unless I ran into him somewhere.

So why am I telling you all this? Because I’m sad and pissed off. What is the point of God putting someone who is 99% perfect for me in my path if he’s not going to be interested in me? And I don’t blame this guy, I really don’t. You can’t help who you like.

But I can be pissed off that I’m still on three different raggedy-ass dating apps when I could be in a situationship with someone I really like. The thing is I’m a lot more productive when I’m single. But I do want someone to lay in bed with and kiss, cuddle and talk to. Someone to go to dinner with, someone to hold hands with in the movie theater.

So that’s why I stay on the dating apps, even though they’re absolute TRASH.

See you next installment when I’ll probably talk about the hellhole that is Plenty of Fish.