I’m feeling really low tonight.
I had a great day. I really did. I unexpectedly reconnected with an old friend. We caught up, laughed and had a great conversation.
Then, shortly before 9pm, something bad happened. I don’t feel like going into details.
When the bad thing happened, I was in shock in first. Then I was telling my cousin about it and I completely broke down.
Through tears, I said, “How much more am I expected to take?! My grandmother died! Can’t everything else just go right?”
“I paid,” I said to my cousin. And it’s true. I have paid with my pain and suffering. God and the universe owe me.
I have to work so hard to find even a speck of joy in my life. And almost every time I find that speck, my life goes to shit shortly thereafter. I’m sick and tired of it.
I worked so hard to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. Today, I was happy without restraint. For my reward, life kicked me in the face.
At times like this, I feel like I suck at life. Like I’m just doing life completely wrong. Like there was something I was supposed to learn along the way that I didn’t. I’m 35. I should have my shit more together than this.
Do you ever feel like this?
And I was just saying today that I have my shit together. That was my first mistake.
One thought on “Low”
I feel low too, especially when don’t find myself productive. Or when i see people acting out of the ordinary. And by ordinary i mean not being who they should be.
Sometimes there is no hope, and i find myself in a very dark place and withe very dark place. But i learnt a trick and i hope it can help you too: when im in those places- the dark -places and feeling low- i question the very reason im facing them. I question if i caused them, or its someone else. And that series of question, i get to find myself in a quiet place where its dark, yes, but i’m in control. I see myself for who i am and the situation for how it is,, really. Then i see if its worth it. And requires so much patience because most times you dot fully comprehend why you really feel low and you only get to point fingers- either at you or life or people. And that is very bad. But your concern should be finding answers, and more importantly, finding peace that you submerge yourself into.
It takes time to master that art, but once you start questioning and aiming those questions to finding peace and not to blame, then all will be well.