What’s Really Going On?

So I had a minor setback today. Everything should work out fine in the end, but when you’re on a losing streak, even minor setbacks are depressing.

After this setback occurred, I began questioning myself and God. I asked God, “Are you trying to tell me I’m doing the wrong thing with my life? Should I be pursuing a different type of job?” I haven’t gotten any answers in case you’re wondering.

I also thought a lot about how I ended up in this position. I’ve resolved many times to save a certain amount of money each month, but I never do it. I’ve realized I have very little willpower regarding most things.

This is part of the reason why I’m almost always late. I hate being late, but for some reason, my hatred of my tardiness isn’t enough to encourage me to be on time. And I truly believe being late disrespects other people’s time. But, somehow, I keep doing it.

I was THIRTY MINUTES late to a lunch at a friend’s house today. Thirty minutes! That’s just uncalled for. Of course, I was full of apologies when I finally got there, but still.

Something I realized today is often when I’m running late, as I’m trying to leave the house, I become occupied with doing something insignificant or spend way too much time looking at emails, tweets, etc. on my phone. It’s almost as if I subconsciously enjoy the stress of being late.

I do this with money too. Whenever I’m trying to cut back on spending, I find myself spending $10 here or $20 there on things I could go without or buy cheaper. I think I do subconsciously enjoy being stressed about something.

But back to how I ended up in this position. I made two decisions to honor myself, both blew up in my face. I keep trying to figure out what I’m supposed to take from that, but I can’t. I don’t think God, or my grandmother, would want me to value myself less/act like I don’t know my worth. So why am I being punished for not accepting the crumbs someone offered me by being forced to accept even smaller crumbs?

Or am I looking at my current situation the wrong way by seeing it as a punishment?I firmly believe the same thing will happen to you again and again until you learn whatever lesson you’re supposed to learn. Is this happening because I need to learn humility? Because I need to learn to be less judgmental? Because I need to learn I’m not better than anyone else?

Every time I end up in this position, I vow to do better. To save more, spend less, humbly accept what’s offered to me, complain less about work. But inevitably, as soon as things stabilize, I’m right back to my old habits. Something’s got to change.

I think I’ll start small, I’ll work on two things to start. I’m going to cut unnecessary spending and become more humble. Right after I pay for this baby shower gift. What?! I have to get a gift, I invited myself to the shower! Don’t worry, I’m just going to get something small.

I don’t know the answers to any of the questions I’ve posed here, but I hope I find them.


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