Spite

From Dictionary.com:

spite

-noun

1. a malicious, usually petty, desire to harm, annoy, frustrate, or humiliate another person; bitter ill will; malice

2. a particular instance of such an attitude or action; grudge

-verb

4. to treat with spite or malice.

5. to annoy or thwart, out of spite.

6. to fill with spite; vex; offend.

 

Someone did something to me recently, I believe, out of spite. I believe this person’s actions were petty and meant to frustrate, thwart and humiliate me.

First, this hurt my feelings. Then, it infuriated me. Why? Because I did what I was supposed to do. I followed all of the rules. I showed my loyalty. I was always around when I was needed.

But that wasn’t enough. Which is why I’ve taken to saying, “Being good doesn’t get you anything.” It doesn’t and I don’t know if it ever will.

Once my fury fell away, I settled into a fine, regular day.

Then I saw this from Sinclair P. Ceasar III on Twitter: “My therapist taught me to interrupt my anxious thinking with thoughts like: ‘What if things work out’ and ‘What if all my hard work pays off?’ So, I’m passing that onto you wherever you are, whatever you’re leaving, or whomever you’re becoming.”

I tell you my entire outlook changed. I was already anxious before my grandmother died, but since she passed, sometimes my anxiety gets out of control. I learned a long time ago that most of the things I worry about never happen. I’ve gotten good at talking myself down.

But this comment just puts everything so succinctly. I mean, asking myself these two “What if” questions instantly changed my mindset. Because you know what? Even if the results aren’t what I expect or look the way I expect, I believe things will work out how they’re supposed to and my hard work will pay off. This belief is what I need to start seriously pursuing my goals.

Another quote I love comes from Hemingway: “Writing is easy. Just sit at a typewriter and bleed.”

This is so true. And it’s what I want to do. I want to bleed on the page for all the world to see and hope the words bled from my body will touch someone.

With this in mind, I’m starting my book over. The quarter of a chapter I have just isn’t going to work anymore. It’s not honest enough. I should be getting ready for bed right now, so I won’t be working on the book tonight, but I hope to start over tomorrow.

 

 

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