I didn’t have a good night last night or a good morning. My cousin told me some things that were weighing heavily on me and caused me to wake up in the middle of the night, as I tend to do when I’m stressed. I had difficulty getting back to sleep, which sucked because I had to get up early to attend a professional seminar.
I also had a very vivid dream about my ex early in the morning, triggered by me reading an old email chain between us in which he called me “Hun.” I loved it when he called me that because it made me feel like we were married. In the dream, he looked amazing and I was so happy to see him. I was also surprised to see him. We were kind of hesitant when we first saw each other, but then we hugged and held hands and talked.
When I woke up from the dream, I realized just how alone I’ve felt in dealing with my grandmother’s death and my grief. I didn’t have a friend or boyfriend attend her funeral with me. I’ve also spent a lot of time alone since her death. I’ve spoken to a bunch of people, including my therapist, about her death/my grief, but when I wake up in the middle of the night sobbing over the loss of the greatest woman I’ve ever known, most nights, there’s no one there to hold me.
Needless to say, I was exhausted when it was time to get up in the morning. I sat on the side of the bed and asked God to help me make it through the day.
We had an early morning break during the seminar and I had to go to the restroom, but didn’t feel like getting up. But I went anyway and I’m so glad I did.
I met this lovely woman named Three in the restroom. Yes, her name is really Three. I asked why her parents named her Three and she said one of the reasons is it’s a spiritual number: the Holy Trinity, the Three Jewels of Buddhism, etc.
When she said this, I knew I was meant to run into her and I told her so. I told her about my grandmother and how I’m having a difficult time coping with her death.
I told her I had no idea how much grief physically affects you. She responded that all of our emotions affect us physically, it’s just that extreme grief is so intense, you notice that you’re being physically affected.
How profound is that?
I mentioned I still feel rage just beneath the surface almost all of the time. I asked her what I should do with it.
Having experienced a close loss herself, she said the best thing to do is transform your rage into gratitude because it needs somewhere to go. She told me I’m having such a hard time coping with this loss because my grandmother was a support system to me, she was my mentor, and I’m fortunate to have had that.
She also said my grandmother gave me everything she had to give me, she taught me everything she could. And now she’s gone, but I don’t “need” her anymore, I’m a grown woman.
She also told me physical activity could help me “burn” some of my rage. I asked her if she practiced yoga and she said she did. She recommended a yoga instructor that works with beginners on Sunday mornings. I may give this class a try if I can get up in time. Another blogger on here told me she got into yoga to help her deal with grief and it’s worked wonders for her.
I also talked to Three about how everything superficial fell out of my life when my grandmother died, and all I’m left with are the big questions: What do I want to do with my life? Who am I? What am I willing to accept? What am I not willing to accept? Who do I want in my life?
I also told her how I feel like I’m in a very spiritual time in my life. I feel really connected to everything and in tune with my emotions. She responded that I’m in a very difficult time in my life, but also a beautiful one. I couldn’t agree more.
Featured image by the incredible Camilla Ru. Find her at @thecamru on Instagram and Twitter.