My grandmother would’ve been 86 today, which I can’t believe. She died in the month of her birthday, so I was still too deep in my initial grief to be much phased by her birthday last year.
You know, one thing several people said to me after my grandmother died was some form of, “Well, she lived a long life.” And yes, in comparison to all of the young Black people mowed down by the police in recent years, she did. But in comparison to others, she didn’t. Someone on social media posted she was celebrating her grandmother’s 94th birthday. 94. That’s ten more years than I got.
Speaking of social media, I need to stay off of Facebook for awhile. Scratch that, I need to stop looking at people’s posts on Facebook for awhile. Everyone else is out here having babies, getting married, getting scholarships and I’m in the worst time of my life. Looking at how happy and “perfect” everyone else’s life is just pisses me off. I need to stop torturing myself.
I miss my grandmother terribly today. I’m also really angry today. But today is also an important day because I was reminded that the things I believe in are still true.
“You’re either gonna love me or hate me, but even if you hate me, you’re always gonna end up coming back around to me.” – NeNe Leakes
NeNe said this on an episode of Watch What Happens Live years ago and as a fellow Sagittarius, I found these words to be equally applicable to myself. Today, two people “came back around to me.” One I thought was gone forever and one I accidentally reached out to (Facebook is SATAN), so it was no surprise he liked a public video on my page. (I unfriended him.)
My thing is this: I’m incredible and amazing. There’s me and then there’s everybody else. So anyone who puts me on the back burner will eventually realize the error of her/his/their ways. The problem is, by the time she/he/they realize it, it’s too late for her/him/them to get back in my good graces. You want to treat me like I’m nothing and then when you realize you were a fool to do that, come back to me with falsely sweet words so we can what? Sit around the campfire, hold hands and sing “Kumbaya”? I don’t fucking think so.
I know I’ve said this so many times y’all are sick of hearing it, but if you can’t do something as simple as show me you love and care about me, you can’t be in my life. Period, end of story. Because at the end of the day, I’ve been shown that the people who want to show up for you do, no questions asked and without fail. I was on the phone with a friend earlier this week, and she told me it was her job to look after me because we’re friends. I literally started crying because I was so overwhelmed with emotion. It was clear to me in that moment that all I’ve ever wanted was to be loved and cared for.
I think this is all many of us want, but I think it’s especially true for those of us whose fathers, or mothers, left us when we were young, or in my case, before we were even born.
What was really driven home for me today is I’m not ok. It will likely be a long time before I’m generally happy again. And that’s ok.
P.S. I just realized something. I’m going to the movies tonight and I went to see “Wonder Woman” in honor of my grandmother on her birthday last year. I guess this is my new tradition.