Bang!

So the month of November arrived and there I was, going along fine. Until, my therapist “checked-in” with me as she calls it. She said something like, “I just want to check-in with you. I know it’s the holiday season, how are you feeling?”

“You mean regarding my grandmother?”

“Yes.”

“I feel fine, I haven’t felt sad about her much at all lately.” This was a Friday morning. I spent a large chunk of the day with a good friend of mine and her kids, one of whom is my goddaughter. Then I went home and worked. I was fine.

The next morning, I woke up feeling like absolute shit. I thought, “Oh my God! Am I getting sick?!” I felt such…malaise. I was taking a shower and I could barely move, I felt so bad. Then it hit me.

Oh. It’s grief. As soon as I realized what was going on with me, I felt better. Physically.

Emotionally, I’m not doing so well. I don’t feel like I’m in a super dark place like I did my first holiday season without her, but I don’t feel great. I’m tired a lot of the time and I’m not in a very compassionate place. Like, I only care about the feelings of my cousin, my good friend and like two other people right now.

The thing that sucks about feeling this way is, other than the obvious, the holidays are also a really popular time for dating. I guess because lots of people are lonely and bored and the holidays remind them they’re lonely and bored. So I’ve started talking to two guys who seem interested, but I don’t know that I have the energy or desire to date. Since my grandmother died, I’ve become one of those people who wants someone to be interested, than once someone is, I lose interest and decide I can’t be bothered. I’m gonna try though. We’ll see how it goes.

This is my third holiday season since my grandmother died and I’m wondering how long it will be like this. Will it always be like this? For those of you who’ve lost loved ones years ago, has the holiday season gotten easier? Let me know in the comments if you’re so inclined and thanks for listening.

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