So I haven’t really felt like being bothered with anyone lately. I haven’t even felt like talking to anyone on the phone, which is something I normally love and crave. I asked my therapist what she thought my desire to isolate myself was about. Her response is so profound in it’s simplicity and truth.
She looked at me with sincerity and honesty and said, “I think you’re tired. And I think you’ve been disappointed by how some people have reacted to you since your grandmother died and you don’t want to be disappointed anymore.”
It only took me a moment to realize this was exactly why I was retreating from everyone. To me, this is the greatest benefit of seeing a therapist. She sees the pieces of my life and how they fit together in a way I cannot because I’m living it and she’s outside of it. Her summing things up for me in this way is well worth how much I pay to see her.
I am tired. I am so very tired. I’m so tired I chose not to fly home for Christmas this year because I didn’t want to have to run around to all my different family members’ houses. I just want to lay in bed, watch TV/movies, sleep and write. Of course, this means I’m most likely going to be alone on Christmas, which I only mind somewhat. I wish there was just one person I could spend Christmas with, e.g. a guy I was hanging out with. That’d be enough for me. I just can’t do a big Christmas with lots of people this year. Maybe next year I’ll feel more up to it.
I know I’m going to really miss my grandmother on Monday because if she were alive, I would be visiting her in her nursing home, as I mentioned in my last post, and I can’t do that now. I’m just not sure how this sadness is going to manifest itself. If it gets to be too much, I’ll call one of my family members.
I’m also confused about what professional path I should be taking. I believe everything happens for a reason and I’m not sure what to make of something that happened to me today. I was wearing a t-shirt with the name of my graduate school on it at Zoe’s Kitchen today and a woman who is married to a man with a prominent position, before he retired, in the Atlanta professional community I’m a member of commented on it. I Googled him and recognized his face, but I’m not sure if I ever met him.
The interaction gave me pause. My plan right now is to leave my current profession once I get a job in entertainment that pays the bills. But speaking to this woman made me think, Is that not what I should be doing? Should I instead be trying to find a job in my current field that stimulates me?
Then I realized I’m too tired to do that. I’m too tired to work a more stimulating job in my current profession. If I’m going to work that hard, I want it to be towards getting my book published so it can be turned into a television show.
This week I also learned about a small Black-owned publishing company that specializes in publishing erotica written by Black authors. Discovering this company led me to believe this is something I should be pursuing. I joined a Black women’s networking group on Facebook and stated I want to create an erotic scripted podcast. I thought about saying I want to create a television show, but the spirit told me I should mention the podcast instead. Maybe someone in the group can help me get it off the ground.
I’m not sure what I should be focusing on career-wise right now, but I’m going to pray about it and I’m sure God and/or the ancestors will show me what path I should take.
Happy Holidays, everyone! Be safe and I hope your holiday season, and 2018, are filled with tremendous joy.