So I’ve been both sad and angry today. Now I’m just sad. And somewhat lonely.
I’m sad I don’t have a guy I like, romantically, I can call on the phone and talk to, just to hear a man’s voice. I’m sad because I still miss my ex-boyfriend, even though I know I shouldn’t. I say I shouldn’t because I “should” be over him by now. Honestly, I don’t think I’ll be over him until I meet someone I really love.
I’m sad because I thought more people would be here for me when the worst thing that has ever happened to me happened. But I was wrong. I’ve done a lot of emotional work as it relates to other people over the years. I’ve been in many “friendships” where I was the one who always had to call or text. I always had to invite the person to do something. And if I didn’t do those things, I wouldn’t hear from the person for months.
For most of us, a lot of the people you think are your “friends,” are only in your life because of proximity. Stop going to school with them, working with them, participating in the same organization or going to the same bars/clubs/whatever and you’ll probably never hear from them again.
One of the few good things to come out of my grandmother’s death is I’m much more careful about how I expend my emotional energy now. I don’t initiate phone calls or texts with anyone other than my family and my bestie. Other people have proven they just aren’t worth the work.
Honestly, I feel a lot freer now. This must be how other people have been feeling this entire time…
I feel so much better now that I’ve gotten that out. Thanks for listening, everyone!