Hello Darkness, my old friend…

So here I am again. Grief has returned to me and sunk in its claws. My grandfather died Thursday night. I had a complicated relationship with him, so I don’t completely know how I feel. But I do know this: I am ANGRY.

I’m angry at the people who I thought would leave more than a comment on an Instagram post. I’m angry at the person I thought would do more than just send a text. Like, not even a phone call to see how I’m doing?? And honestly, I’m angry that I’m angry because this is the third family member I’ve lost and this has happened every time.

I get it. Death is an uncomfortable thing to discuss for those that have little experience with it. (Unfortunately, that’s not me anymore.) But when someone needs you to show up, you show up. Even if all you have to offer is that you don’t know what to say.

My grandfather hasn’t even been gone for 48 hours and people are already fucking up, so I thought it was time for a refresher on how to communicate with the bereaved.

1. DO NOT tell someone who has just lost their grandfather to “Have a good evening!” How THE FUCK am I gonna do that when a family member has just died??
2. DO NOT say after you’ve sent your condolences, “Hope all is well with your family.” Please explain to me how THE FUCK all could possibly be well with my family when the patriarch of my family has just died.

That’s all I have for now, but I reserve the right to add to this list later.

I’m tired of grieving, Y’all. My uncle died a little over two years ago. My grandmother died a little over six year ago. I should have had more time before I had to deal with this. I HATE being my age (40). My mom, my aunt and uncles are in their 60s and 70s. I’m going to have to go through this so many more times and I don’t want to. I understand it’s a part of life, but I’ve had enough. I want it to stop. As soon as I think I’m OK, someone else in my family dies. It’s too much.

But I am thankful that my best friend, my other close friend (both fellow Sagittariuses I might add), my cousin, my aunt and some newer friends have shown up for me. That’s more than a lot of people have and I don’t take it for granted.

I’m sure I’ll have more angry thoughts later, but for now, I’m done. Hold your loved ones close, call them on their birthdays and tell them you love them. Time is fleeting.