Eight Months

I know I say this every month, but I can’t believe my grandmother’s been gone for so long. I don’t want to acknowledge that in 4 more months, it will be the anniversary of her death. I have no idea how I’m going to make it through that.

Today, I’ve been meditating on some of the things my grandmother used to say/taught me. Like don’t take shit from people.

On that note, I’m really tired of people apologizing to me. By that I mean, I’m sick of people doing things to me they need to apologize for. Don’t do anything wrong, then you won’t have to apologize.

Of course, I know we’re all fallible and people will not always treat you well. I’m not talking about someone snapping at me because she had a bad day at work.

I’m talking about me reaching out to someone because I wanted some company in the early months of grieving my grandmother. This person saying I may come see you tomorrow, but either way, I’ll call and let you know if I’m coming. Then, me not hearing from this person for FIVE MONTHS. THEN, getting a phone call from this person, which obviously I ignored, on Friday and this person leaving me a voicemail explaining that he owes me a “big apology” because he knows I was going through “a little depression” and if he calls himself a friend, he should have been checking on me. And that he guesses he let his job take over his life and he shouldn’t have.

Ok. Number one, you just apologized to me for the wrong thing. You shouldn’t be apologizing to me for not checking on me, you should be apologizing to me for falling off the face of the earth the day after I talked to you when you knew I needed some comfort and affection because my grandmother just died. So take your apology and shove it up your ass. As you can see, still feeling that grief rage.

Number two, I wasn’t going through a “little depression.” I was, and am, grieving because the person I love most in the world died. This is a process that will be going on for the next few years at least.

Here’s what I think the truth is. It’s not fun to be around someone who is grieving, especially when that person is normally happy and bubbly. This guy couldn’t deal with how devastatingly sad I was, so he ran. Many people would have done the same. That’s not what I’m mad about.

What I’m mad about is that he had the audacity to call me at all. If he knew anything about me, he would have known his voicemail wasn’t going to be received well. He also would have left a humbler message. At any rate, he won’t be getting a return phone call.

Well, Mom-Mom, if you can see this, at least you know I’m doing everything in my power to walk in your principles. Just like I promised you I would at your funeral. See you on the other side.

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