I was going to start this post by talking about a friend, but one of my Facebook friends just posted that her grandmother passed away today. Since my grandmother died, it feels like it’s just been one death after another: this is the second person I know who’s lost a grandmother, another Facebook friend lost her brother and a former co-worker lost her father. It’s just death, death and more death everywhere I look.

I think for some people the ubiquity of death makes their grieving process easier. They can survive the death of a close loved one because they know so many other people have, some of them more than once. For me, all of these deaths just remind me that with the exception of my younger cousin, I will most likely bury everyone in my family and that is horrifying.

Second only to the day I was told my grandmother died, the day of my grandmother’s funeral was the worst day of my life. How am I ever going to survive that again?

What I was originally going to say in the beginning of this post is I recently learned a friend went through a period of depression and feeling alone. When I learned this, it broke my heart because I had no idea. If I had, I would have been there for her.

That’s when something dawned on me. I had been angry at someone for not showing more concern for me after my grandmother passed away, especially because I knew she knew how I felt because she had lost a close loved one. But after I learned about my friend, I realized maybe this person had no idea how much I was suffering. Not everyone is as close to their grandmother as I was/am to mine. Maybe she thought I was fine.

Having this new perspective hasn’t changed my feelings though. This person texted me awhile ago and I didn’t respond. I still have no desire to. I just can’t get over my hurt at her not saying more about my grandmother or checking on me to see how I was doing. The friendship was superficial anyway. I don’t have any room in my life for friendships like that anymore.

Another thing I’ve realized in the last couple of days is just because I didn’t have the energy/will to seek out people to be around to help me feel less alone in my time of grief, that doesn’t mean there weren’t people in my life who would’ve received me with open arms if I had reached out to them.

I suffered alone when I didn’t have to.

I have been so focused on the people who weren’t there for me during this time, who I thought should have been, that I couldn’t see the people who are more than willing to be there for me if I’d only ask.

I’m happy to say I’ve joined a group of people who have made a commitment to meet and fellowship with one another once a month. I’m really excited about this group. It feels so good to be with people who are warm and welcoming and unafraid to be vulnerable with you. This is exactly what I need in my life now that I know I don’t have to feel guilty about enjoying myself while I grieve my grandmother.

I’m still not at the point where I can say I’m well when people ask how I am or say that I’m happy. But one day, I know I will be.