When my grandmother died three weeks ago, it shattered my world. It destroyed me. Now my world is divided into two parts: Before and After.
Yesterday, I was having an ok day. A friend invited me to a spa party at her house. It was just going to be a few people, nothing fancy, trying out beauty products and maybe purchasing a few things. My friend knows my grandmother passed away and thought some relaxation would be good for me. She was clear that I was free to come in whatever state of grief I was in and that she didn’t expect me to be my normal lively self. I thought, It’s in my friend’s home. I should be able to make it through this.
I made it through the party fine. I introduced myself to my friend’s four other friends and made small talk with them. I told them about my grandmother’s passing in an effort to explain my lackluster attitude. I laughed at all the right things and hugged everyone goodbye.
But when I got in my car to leave, I felt so overwhelmed, exhausted and depressed, I literally felt ill. I knew I needed to talk to someone immediately.
I texted my cousin who lost her mother five years ago and asked if she could talk. She called me a few minutes later and I told her what happened.
She listened knowingly before she told me that all of my emotional energy is currently tied up in the grieving process and that’s why expelling so much energy to interact with five other people was too much for me. This made a lot of sense to me.
She also told me that just because I have one good day, that doesn’t mean I’m fine. Grief is a very long process and I shouldn’t expect to feel ok for a long while.
“This is your life now,” she told me. “This is your new normal.”
The only thing that’s been helping me through this extremely difficult time is talking to people who have lost someone close to them. I asked a friend who lost her mother two years ago, “What is the hardest part of this process?” She said, “The hardest part is that the person’s gone.”
I realize now how true this is. The hardest part is that I have to live the rest of my life without my grandmother. The person I love most in the world died and I have to find a way to go on.
I am in the worst time of my life. But I’m making it. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.
Have you lost someone close to you recently? Did you lose someone close to you a long time ago and have tips on dealing with grief? If so, leave a comment on this post. Or tell me something else if you want. Either way, I’d love to hear from you.
If you’re grieving right now, we’re going to get through this. Together.