Four

Today marks four years I’ve had this blog and I know I say this every year, but I can’t believe my grandmother’s been gone that long. I can’t believe I’m now using this blog to mourn my grandmother and my uncle.

While I told my therapist last week that I think I’ve reached the stage of acceptance regarding my grandmother’s death, I’m, naturally, only just beginning to process my uncle’s. I told my therapist that I thought something was wrong because I wasn’t grieving my uncle enough. Of course I was devastated when he died, but then that feeling seemed to “wear off” and I felt “normal” again.

But this week, my grief has reared its ugly head again. I don’t know what happened that allowed me to put my grief to the side for a couple of months. Maybe I was focused on work, maybe I was preoccupied with other things, but if I’ve learned anything in the last four years, grief is the one debt collector that always gets paid.

As you all know, with the prevalence of the COVID-19 vaccines, most COVID-19 restrictions have been lifted here in the States. People are going to bars again, leaving their masks at home and some, unfortunately, are having to return to the office. (Praying to God I won’t have to any time soon.)

But I’ve been wishing we were still in quarantine. Not that thousands of people were still getting sick of course, just that I had a reasonable excuse for not wanting to leave the house. I thought I was just having a hard time getting back to “normal” because after being at home for over a year, the transition back to regular life seems really quick.

But this week I realized that’s not it. I don’t want to leave my house or deal with people much because I’m grieving my uncle. It’s also why I don’t feel like doing much other than staying in bed under the covers and binge-watching TV. The exact same thing happened when my grandmother died.

So I’m not exactly where I started when I began this blog, but I’m not that far from it either. But I’ve also learned life is cyclical: you’re up, you’re down, then you’re up again. What matters is you have someone to hold and support you while you’re down, and thanks to my incredible family and friends, I have that.

As I always say, if you’ve stuck with me for the last four years, thank you so much. It really means a lot. Here’s to having less grief to write about over the next four.

Until we talk again. 💜

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