Today has been a horrible day. HORRIBLE. So horrible I barely have the strength to write this. Not to mention my grandmother has been gone for ten months today and it’s the 50th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s assassination.

Thinking about these two deaths has kept me in a somber mood all day. That and the fact that almost everything that could go wrong today has. I had a doctor’s appointment that ran long and caused me to miss out on a job opportunity, though I budgeted plenty of time between the two. Then I was treated really unfairly by someone I thought would always have my back. That hurt.

Something that hit me today is one of the saddest things about my grandmother being gone is that my advocate is gone too. My grandmother always protected me and always made sure I saw her stand up for me. I believe my grandmother protected me until her last breath and that’s the reason why I didn’t get to see her right before she died. She believed (I’m guessing) it would have done irreparable harm to me, and I agree with her, to see her in the days before she passed away.

She protected me from seeing the most heartwrenching, painful thing I could ever imagine and I will always be grateful to her for that.

No one will ever love me the way my grandmother did and that breaks my heart. No one can replace the mother in your life. My cousin told me when your mother is gone, it leaves a hole that will never be filled because now a space has been emptied you didn’t even know existed.

The hole my grandmother left seems to be getting bigger. It seems like it’s going to eat away the entirety of my heart. Then maybe the rest of my organs.

It’s two months until the anniversary and I have no idea how I’m gonna survive that. It’s only getting worse.